Holy Pirates

Posted on: May 12, 2010

This post was originally released in the tert, and has been republished here for your befuddlement/enjoyment

Avast there matey. It be coming closer to thar holiday season again, a time when captains give out what they ave plundered to thar crew. Some be thinking it is a bit crazy to cut down trees, put them in your house and decorate them with silver and gold. It is even says in one religious gospels “Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.” (Jeremiah 10:2-4)

Many be forgetting an even bigger holiday, international talk like a pirate day, celebrated every 19th o’ September. This year, many did celebrate but there were those who forgot. Some even be forgetting that pirates are his favoured people and thar be others who even say that ninjas be better then pirates.

Many so called philosophers have tried to argue out that ninjas are more powerful then pirates. There are many flaws with this however. A Pirate be having wenches. Nay any ninjas have this. Second, pirates ave Rum, unless it is all gone that is. Third, and most important of all, pirates are the Flying Spaghetti Monsters (FSM) most favoured people. Not too be confused with most flavoured as only our noodly lord can take that title.

Yea may be wondering, where is the proof of FSMism and the fact that pirates are his chosen people. Well, thar be a inverse correlation between the number of pirates and the global average temperature. This can be seen in the graph below.

Yarr, this science be something that we will be teaching across the world. Those of other beliefs like Kirk Cameron, be releasing their own version of origin of species. This copy includes the full version of Darwin’s book with an extra 50 pages to explain the hoaxes of evolution. Pirates, as pastafarians, we applaud his effort to educate people of other points of view. We hope to do a similar thing and release our own Yarrrr-igin of species. We believe all views must be presented, and ours is just as scientific as any others.

Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron also be showing us the atheist nightmare. They must ave been drinking too little rum as they got this a bit wrong. The true atheist nightmare is the orange. Yarr, this be known since back in our seafaring days when thar be many pirates suffering from scurvy. Unlike the banana, which humans grew from an in-edible fruit to what we see today, the orange was made by the FSM. You see, our noodly lord saw the pirates were getting scurvy so he made the orange to provide them with vitamin C. Just like the banana the orange can just as easily be held and has a non slip surface. We know it is from the Flying Spaghetti Monster since it is round and resembles meatballs, something that goes well with spaghetti.

Yarr, a disturbing trend be the increasing number of atheists. Even our own university has just had a club, Wollongong University Secular Society (WUSS) form. It is hard to belief they could be so blind. Their own acronym is evidence of FSM as the ‘S” was created in his image. Thar is also a simple proof of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, once presented by Nick Moran.

1. You don’t need a reason to enjoy spaghetti.
2. Everything (else) has a cause.
3. Nothing can cause itself.
4. Everything is caused by another thing.
5. A causal chain cannot be of infinite length.
6. There must be a first cause.
7. The first cause had no cause.
8. Spaghetti is the only thing that can have no cause, thus must be the first cause.

Q.E.D. bitches.

By Eden Harris


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  • Zlatan (lay - tan): Hi, My name is Zlatan (lay - tan) Just want to meet up with some like minded folks in the Gong. So can you please let me know when/where you


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